


everyone's lack of skill when pretending to be human beings for small talk purposes

by possessedradios



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: And they kinda buy it although he's really not THAT good at it, Cutter's Christmas Party, Gen, Kepler pretends not to care about the wonder twins, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 12:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13235748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possessedradios/pseuds/possessedradios
Summary: Kepler doesn't even like Cutter's Christmas parties that much, but he'd never go so far as to get drunk or make up cheap excuses about bodily functions.





	everyone's lack of skill when pretending to be human beings for small talk purposes

**Author's Note:**

> I … think this is super OOC, but listen,, Some people??? Write SI-5 fluff?? To cope?? With the series finale???? (Am I doing this meme right?)
> 
> Written, again, for @theimpossumblepossum on tumblr! Prompt: "This is why we can't have nice things" + SI-5, and again it's gotten longer than anticipated, so I'm posting it here.

“Why did we never kiss?” Jacobi asks, entirely too loud. 

He slowly turns to look at him, face neutral. His lack of surprise is somewhat sad, Kepler thinks. He can see Young choking on her drink and turning away, laughing. He puts his own glass down on the table next to him and wonders briefly why he insisted on Jacobi and Maxwell attending. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, sure. Being part of Cutter’s innermost circle certainly is … _something_ , and the prospect of both showing off with his two best agents _and_ not having to make it through this evening alone had been nice, but that was before Maxwell escaped from a conversation with Cutter by blurting out ‘I’m sorry, I really need to use the bathroom; I’m, uh, period! I’m on my period, sir, you know, blood and all, really messy stuff’. He can't even blame her for not coming back since then. 

Jacobi, on the other hand, has stayed, but now he’s _drunk_ , and-

“I mean, really, sir, I wouldn't mind kissing you. Would you mind? We did kinda get into a conversation because you bought me a drink, that’s… I mean, when I called the number on that card, I kinda thought I’d get a date, not a job.” He’s quiet for a second. “Not that I mind,” he quickly adds, “It’s a great job. Like … _really_ great.”

“Mmhm,” Kepler makes, then drags Jacobi off into a quieter corner. “Mister Jacobi,” he says, painfully aware that it doesn't sound half as professional nor composed or commanding as anticipated, “I think you’ll leave now.” 

Jacobi looks something between relieved and disappointed. “Really?”

“Really. We can talk about this-” He reconsiders and ends dryly, “never. Now, get your-”

He’s being interrupted by a slight tap on his shoulder. Maxwell is standing behind him, face indecipherable. “I wanted to leave,” she says, “but then I got worried. Am I fired?” Her voice is very calm, almost emotionless.

_“What?”_

“I asked-”

“Alana’s back, I don’t want to leave anymore!”

“-whether I’m fired?”

Kepler closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then turns to Jacobi. “You. Quiet.” 

Jacobi has the audacity to look offended. “I’m not technically working right now, you can’t just tell me what to-”

“I said. Be. Quiet.”

Jacobi shuts his mouth.

“Sir? Am I fire-”

Kepler turns towards Maxwell again, taking another deep breath. “And you,” he says, forcing himself to sound calm, as if these two didn’t manage to test his patience again and again, “explain to me how you got the _absurd idea_ that you might be _fired_. Now.”

Maxwell blinks and seems genuinely confused for a second. “Because- Sir, I told Cutter that-”

“Quiet,” Kepler hisses, glancing over her shoulder and straightening his back, and Maxwell falls silent, looking even more confused, until-

“Alana! How lovely to see you came back after all! I _was_ getting kind of worried, you know.”

Maxwell’s eyes widen and she turns abruptly, only to stand face to face with Mister Cutter. “Sir!” she says and laughs, a nervous sound. She glances over at Jacobi who _still_ looks offended, and Kepler really, _really_ wishes he had just allowed the two to go home or eat their delivery food in Maxwell’s lab.

“Are you kids enjoying yourself? I hope you’ve got your … situation under control,” Cutter says, and Kepler suddenly feels very, very tired. The one thing that’s worse than Maxwell dishing up this particular excuse is Cutter not letting it go.

Maxwell’s eyes widen in what Kepler believes to be pure horror, and Cutter, cheery as ever, simply ignores it and honest to God looks as if he’s expecting an answer. Kepler’s internally scrambling for something to say, feeling the need to step in and save his subordinate, but Maxwell’s quicker - she half turns to Jacobi, mouthing “Help?”

Jacobi, also gaping at Cutter now, blinks a few times and then blurts out - entirely too loud again - “Major Kepler doesn’t want to kiss me!”

Maxwell opens her mouth and doesn’t close it again, staring at Jacobi; Jacobi looks suddenly much more sober again, equal parts horrified and determined to follow through with the disaster he started; Kepler himself wishes he _was_ drunk and Cutter-

Cutter looks at Jacobi, smile frozen on his face, speechless.

Kepler would be impressed, were the circumstances any different.

“I … see …” Cutter eventually says, “That’s … unfortunate for you, Daniel.” He clears his throat. “Alana? Daniel? Let me … talk to Warren in private for a second, alright?” The smile is already back in his voice again.

Kepler closes his eyes for a second - of course this situation is _his_ problem now. He makes a mental note to _not_ force the two to attend next year. Maxwell grabs Jacobi by his wrist and drags him away.

Cutter turns to him, smile unwavering. “Weeell. Warren. I’m … _glad_ you got Alana and Daniel to join us tonight. Buuut-”

“Sir,” Kepler tries despite himself - Cutter hates to be interrupted, he _knows_ , but- “If I could-”

“No no! No need. Like I _said_ \- it’s … _great_ that those two were here, but I think it might be … _even greater_ if you took them outside now. Do you agree?”

Kepler is quiet for half a second, then he nods. “Yes, Mister Cutter, sir. Absolutely. I will make sure that-”

“Perfect! I will … see you tomorrow, then.”

“... Yes … sir.”

“Goodnight, Warren.” And with that, he’s gone, walking over to someone who hasn’t brought two embarrassing subordinates into this room. Kepler sighs and slowly joins Maxwell and Jacobi into their corner. 

“Doctor Maxwell. Mister Jacobi. You’ll accompany me outside now.”

They both nod silently.

Before they reach the door, a voice calls out for him. “Major Kepler! Wait a second, please.”

He exhales slowly, exasperated, but he stops, turning his head slightly. “Miss Young. What can I do for you?”

“Oh! Oh, God, no, _please_. You’ve already done so much for me tonight.” She smiles at him. “So, I actually wanted to _thank_ you - for making this evening worthwhile and adding at least three years to my life. You’re all doing great!”

“... Goodnight, Miss Young,“ Kepler says, and then puts his hands on Jacobi’s and Maxwell’s back, pushing them forward. “Let’s go.”

“Was… Was she being sarcastic?” Maxwell asks while they walk down the corridor leading to the main exit.

Kepler shoots her a quick glance. “Yes, Doctor Maxwell. She was being sarcastic.”

“Oh,” she says. “I’m … sorry?”

He pushes the door open and waits until they’ve stepped outside, follows them silently for a few seconds. “No, Doctor Maxwell. As surprising as it is - this had nothing to do with you; not really. That’s just … a thing … Miss Young and I … do.”

“... Oh,” she says, again.

They all stop on the parking lot, full of cars provided by Goddard to bring the employees home. Jacobi and Maxwell look at each other, then look at Kepler. They seem to steel themselves for one of his lectures. He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. 

“This,” he says slowly, “is why we can’t have nice things.”

They both open their mouths, and Kepler raises a hand, shutting them up immediately. “Maxwell - how are you so _incredibly bad_ at pretending to be a human being for just _half an hour_? Everyone can make small talk for half an hour!”

“Hey, no!” Maxwell shakes her head almost furiously. “Major Kepler, that’s not fair! We didn’t even wanna come! This isn’t _fun_! And I- I tried! I’m wearing a dress! I hate it! I’m _so close_ to just stripping here!”

Kepler raises his eyebrows. “Please don’t.”

“I won’t! But I want to! I really really want to! And I- I am able to do small talk, but- not with … _him_! He’s _weird_! And _creepy_! And this wasn’t _fun_!”

“It could … have … been,” he answers, very calmly. “And you, Jacobi,” he adds after another second, when Maxwell eventually turns her head away, staring at the ground, defeated or defiant, he can’t really tell.

Jacobi takes a step forward. “Sir, let me explai-”

“You. Really. Said enough. You’d better stop talking now before you say any _more_ things you’ll regret tomorrow. You’ll go home now, together with Maxwell. You’ll both get some sleep. And tomorrow I’ll see you at 7 am, and _if_ I’m feeling generous, we will never talk of this again.”

Jacobi averts his eyes and sighs. Maxwell puts an arm around him. “You’re drunk, Daniel, I’ll let you crash at my place. Let’s… Let’s go.” She nudges him gently towards one of the cars, and Kepler watches silently, hears Jacobi’s soft words - “We really fucked up this time, huh? Was important to him, I think” - and Maxwell’s answer - “Yeah … think we did”. He watches as the car drives off the parking lot and disappears into the distance.

He just keeps standing there for a little while longer, and he realizes that the cold doesn’t bother him although he prefers the summer by far. He also realizes Jacobi was wrong. Kepler’s calm - content, almost. They didn’t fuck up, and the evening was … alright. Really.

After all, he _did_ order them to attend - and in the end, what else did he expect? He knows the two - better, he likes to think, than they know themselves.

**Author's Note:**

> ... Actually, IS this fluff? I can't even tell. As always, I'm @possessed-radios on tumblr, and @shortwaveattentionspan is my podcast sideblog.


End file.
